My car keys have gone walk-abouts (again!)

I woke up on the wrong-side of bed today, thanks to a blazing row with my partner, who often forgets I'm pregnant.

In his job he works away, he came back for two hours last night, to sleep (and attempt to get his leg-over). If in need of 'relief', it's wise not to goad your partner to the point of tears, just a tip!

I lay there minding my own business, considering what to do with my life, and he started complaining how his life is ruined, because of a few stupid mistakes (if lap-dancing clubs, several affairs, indulging in a fling with one of my friends, and humiliating me to the hilt is a few mistakes, then I'll sign up to be a tourist guide!)

I laid there, eyes narrowed, digesting his complaint. His main grievance being that I no longer trust him to go to the pub and get p***ed.

I don't stop him from drinking, far from it, just not to the point he babbles s***, and thinks with his trousers. Why would I trust him, when he acts like a pillock?

Anyhow, he goaded me, whinged, and threw a temper tantrum; I barely slept, and woke up glad he was off to work.

I'm now sat with a pot of 'Ben and Jerry's' fudge Brownie ice-cream.

Worse still, he's hidden my car keys, knowing that when I go anywhere it's always in the car. It's a growing annoyance, they often 'disappear', all though he always denies it. It's beginning to p**s me off.

My morning sickness is subsiding, thank God! I couldn't leave the house even if I'd wanted to for the first two months, I was permanently fixed to the bathroom.

I laid in bed last night, listening to the distant traffic, considering my options...

With no qualifications, and a C.V that lacks committment, leaving too many blanks (unless I fabricate a ficticious master-piece), shop-work is my likely option, and in todays economic-climate, I'd be lucky to get a job doing that.

Besides which, I'm pregnant, and being a mother in itself is hard-work. I don't want to palm my baby off onto somebody else while I scrimp in a shop, on the minimum wage. I probably couldn't do it anyway, getting out and about is one thing, but jumping head-first into a nine-while-five when I struggle with anxiety, and would be likely to phone in with some ridiculous excuse every other day, would be stupid.

So what else can I do? What are my options? (Small-steps).

There's a carboot on Sunday, I could go that, do a David Dickenson, or use my better judgement and hunt out some designer names, haggle them down, and sell them on Ebay?

Small-potatoes, but I have to start somewhere, it's a start. Most importantly, it gets me out.

But what about the long-run? I'm 27, and have a baby on the way. I want her, or him to have all of things I never had, and be proud of me. I don't want to rely on my partner, or my parents, it was never my plan, degrading isn't the word!

So what am I good at, what can I do?

Well, I used to write, years ago. Perhaps I'll write. Short-stories to begin with, because they're bite-size. If nothing else, I'm doing something productive, something which I enjoy. I could enter competitions?

Pie-in-the-sky! My partner snorted, when presented with my brain-wave. Nothing like some encouragement from your significant-other!

My bump's not noticeable yet. I'm wondering when it will happen... will I expand overnight? Where is it?!

The scan was beautiful, she (I feel she's a girl, for no reason I can explain), or he, bounced about as the sonographer prodded my stomach. The tiniest fingers and toes I've ever seen, curled and grasped; a bright light in the middle of their chest pulsed, hard and fast. Up until then, it didn't feel real, being pregnant was just a 'condition'. Not anymore.

I won't go out today, because my keys have mysteriously vanished, but I'll do something productive all the same. I don't watch television during the day; I read and write, and gas on the phone to my sister (she makes me laugh, and laughter's important, it's what's saved me from insanity I suppose). I'll stick on a dvd, for half an hour, a comedy (perhaps a Steptoe), something to make me smile; then I'll set to work.

Jess x